The Idea

In high school, I was so afraid of being labeled a loner or — being one — that I did everything in my power to stop it from happening. I swallowed my pride. I would ask just about anyone if I could sit with them at lunchtime. I would even pretend to be someone I’m not, just so I would “fit in,” so they would like me. That’s how desperate I was. And for a while, it worked. I had a group I could sit and hang with… but it didn’t make me feel any less lonely. I realised you can be surrounded by a room full of people and still feel lonely. On the surface, it seemed okay (I didn’t look like a loner), but beneath all of it, I was truly alone. Not only that, it was exhausting, and I was only hurting myself. When I finally had enough, I said to myself, “enough is enough,” and mustered the courage to walk away from all of that. I ended up sitting alone, and now I was truly a “loner.” It was scary, and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. But being alone felt better than being in a group that made me feel lonelier. It was liberating. It’s okay to be lonely. It’s not something you have to deny or run from.