The Idea

I’ve always felt different, something not quite right, like I had an invisible barrier between myself and other people. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to fit in. I really wanted to fit in. But I just couldn’t quite manage it. A label on my forehead in permanent marker, “I am different”. Different is cool in movies and books, it’s unique. The quirky unattainable “manic pixie dream girl”. But in reality different is isolation, it’s loneliness. It’s standing at the centre of a room feeling like you’re Earth travelling a little too close to the sun but constantly wanting to chase the heat even though sometimes it burns a little too much from embarrassment. I thought Uni would be different, that the more people I meet the more likely it is to find my ‘person’, to find my planets. But really I just became Pluto, a little too insignificant to be anything at all. Forgotten in a sea of confusion, of other people on the cusp of adulthood trying to find their people too.

My experience of Uni so far is best described by this lyric by the wonderful Mr. Billy Joel, “they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone”. I often wonder how many people out there feel like me. Maybe if I knew the answer then I wouldn’t feel so different, so lonely among others. Maybe I’d feel a little more ok to be me.