The Idea

At the start of this year I discovered my first ever partner, who I was with for 18 months, was cheating on me. She was my world – and I devoted so much time and energy to growing into a better person for her, and myself. Since then it has been a battle, a struggle between the sides of my brain – to try and pull myself together after having half of who I am suddenly removed. Like a tapestry with every 2nd row removed, I felt frayed and worn. Trying to unravel those threads, and weave back together *me* is something I am still working on. While I know what I value, and care about – it feels like my identity has shifted to something I have yet to truly understand or know. Loneliness is this ever-present cloud that lingers. Sometimes it rains. Hard. It feels like I am drowning with how quickly the rain comes down, and I have to weather the storm anyway I know how. Other times, it lingers in the distance. A soft drizzle, not enough to draw my focus away from what I am doing – but enough to keep me constantly reminded of the fact I am now alone. I’ve tried my hardest to use this time in my life to grow as much as I can. To become a better person from the pain of a first love failed. It would be so easy to let myself spiral into the self-fulfilling cycles of beating myself up, the could-haves, should-have-beens, and whatnot. As my life shifts drastically from what it once was, and I face a future with no one by my side – it is hard to remain optimistic. As a man, I am not asked or checked up on. The few people in my life don’t ask how I am doing. I don’t blame them, but it still hurts. I face this time in my life alone for the most part. Not so much a support network but an emergency fall-back. That’s a hard thing to face, the fact that despite your best efforts and what you would do for others – those in your life just don’t reach out. Not out of maliciousness, but just due to what seems to be the norm for us. In the meantime – I write songs. I journal. Putting the constant buzz of thoughts down into words allows me to make more sense of them, and simultaneously I hope that maybe someone else reads them and can draw some help or solidarity from it