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At the start of this year I discovered my first ever partner, who I was with for 18 months, was cheating on me. She was my world – and I devoted so much time and energy to growing into a better person for her, and myself.
Since then it has been a battle, a struggle between the sides of my brain – to try and pull myself together after having half of who I am suddenly removed. Like a tapestry with every 2nd row removed, I felt frayed and worn.
Trying to unravel those threads, and weave back together *me* is something I am still working on. While I know what I value, and care about – it feels like my identity has shifted to something I have yet to truly understand or know.
Loneliness is this ever-present cloud that lingers. Sometimes it rains. Hard. It feels like I am drowning with how quickly the rain comes down, and I have to weather the storm anyway I know how. Other times, it lingers in the distance. A soft drizzle, not enough to draw my focus away from what I am doing – but enough to keep me constantly reminded of the fact I am now alone.
I’ve tried my hardest to use this time in my life to grow as much as I can. To become a better person from the pain of a first love failed. It would be so easy to let myself spiral into the self-fulfilling cycles of beating myself up, the could-haves, should-have-beens, and whatnot.
As my life shifts drastically from what it once was, and I face a future with no one by my side – it is hard to remain optimistic. As a man, I am not asked or checked up on. The few people in my life don’t ask how I am doing. I don’t blame them, but it still hurts.
I face this time in my life alone for the most part. Not so much a support network but an emergency fall-back. That’s a hard thing to face, the fact that despite your best efforts and what you would do for others – those in your life just don’t reach out. Not out of maliciousness, but just due to what seems to be the norm for us.
In the meantime – I write songs. I journal. Putting the constant buzz of thoughts down into words allows me to make more sense of them, and simultaneously I hope that maybe someone else reads them and can draw some help or solidarity from it
The ALIVE National Centre is funded by the NHMRC Special Initiative in Mental Health.
The ALIVE National Centre for Mental Health Research Translation acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the land on which we work, and pay our respects to the Elders, past and present. We are committed to working together to address the health inequities within our Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities.
WARNING: Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander viewers are warned that this site may contain images and voices of deceased persons.
This map attempts to represent the language, social or nation groups of Aboriginal Australia. It shows only the general locations of larger groupings of people which may include clans, dialects or individual languages in a group. It used published resources from the eighteenth century-1994 and is not intended to be exact, nor the boundaries fixed. It is not suitable for native title or other land claims. David R Horton (creator), © AIATSIS, 1996. No reproduction without permission. To purchase a print version visit: https://shop.aiatsis.gov.au/
The ALIVE National Centre for Mental Health Research Translation is funded by the National Health and Medical Research Council (NHMRC) Special Initiative in Mental Health GNT2002047.
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ALIVE Next Generation Researcher Network Application Form Click here
For University based research higher degree students, early/mid-career mental health researchers
ALIVE Lived Experience Research Collective Application Form Click here
For University and community based lived-experience or carer-focused mental health researchers at all career stages
ALIVE Collective Application Form Click here
For any individuals or organisations with a general interest in supporting the special initiative in mental health
ALIVE Implementation and Translation Network (ITN) Application Form Click here
For sector, service delivery organisations in mental health serving people across the life course and priority populations
If you have a general enquiry about The Alive National Centre for Mental Health Research Translation, please submit an enquiry below