The Idea

My feelings of loneliness started when I made the decision to move internationally to complete my undergraduate degree at the age of 17. Being an only child and having lost my father to brain cancer at 13 years old, it was a huge decision that prioritised my desire to balance my athletic and academic career whilst simultaneously overlooking the emotional turmoil that would accompany it. To put things into context, I had been exempted from attending school camps due to severe separation anxiety from my mother and was in the early stages of recovery from an eating disorder that developed from needing some level of control in an unstable world. So, making this transition across the world came with more hurdles that I could have ever pre-empted prior to landing. The initial stages were filled with novelty and excitement, but quickly culture shock and the reality of being thousands of miles away from my family, friends, and other members of my support network set in. I cried most days, battling with the long nights and constantly trying to coordinate any form of contact with the time differences that existed between my hometown and my new city in America. While I was part of the track team so had an immediate ‘family’ that I was welcomed into, I felt like I had no one external that could seek for a conversation to share my feelings open and honestly, nor a companion that wouldn’t report concerns of my well-being to my coach. I tried to get by utilising daily facetime calls with my mother however this quickly grew into a routine that failed fill the void of loneliness in an unfamiliar place. I had some good friends on the team, but we were majoring in different subjects, so I spent most of my days in lecture halls with 500 plus people never seeing the same face more than once. I dedicated my spare time to meticulously completing my homework but the feeling of being alone hung over my head like a cloud. This pattern of training, university and long periods of study continued until the first case of COVID-19 was detected. While this seem removed from me at the time, the pandemic quickly spread, and the restrictions of social isolation grew more real than the demons in my head. I was physically and emotionally restrained from being with others, which spiralled my mental health severely. Once the realisation set in that I would have no choice but to put myself in a vulnerable situation to make friends as visiting home was off the cards for the indefinite future, I started to make some inroads in broadening my overseas network of friends. By the end of my college degree, I had learned so many new skills, strengthened my personality traits and developed some lifelong friendships that I still hold onto today. However, like all good things they must end and once I had graduated, I had to return home and leave this new group of companions behind. It felt like I was starting all over again, my friends back in Australia had moved on since high school and I didn’t feel as though I belonged in any of the groups I was once a part of. Like déjà vu, I was back to feeling lonely and isolated in a once familiar place. This was devastating and really tested my resilience. Like before, I leant on my circle at work to broaden my group of friends, meeting new people and being open to different experiences. Quickly I felt like I was back home again and regained the support and emotionally stability I needed. This sense of security remained until I accepted a position interstate to complete my master’s postgraduate studies. I laboured over what the right decision was whether I should get up and move again or stay in a place that was familiar and safe. The thought of loneliness for a third time in such a short span of my life played a huge part in my decision for following the best pathway forward. Financially and careerwise moving to Sydney opened the most opportunities and positioned me favourably to progress in my studies. I thought I would be more prepared, that I had the skills necessary to manage the inevitable loneliness that would accompany the transition, but I didn’t. Each move has been different, associated with its own challenges and trying to tackle life’s hurdles without any form of support heightens normal feelings of isolation substantially. There have been many days I have sat alone, longing for my friends back home. Returning to my apartment after a long day of study, I am greeted with silence and the need to prepare dinner. Walking into my local shopping centre reminds me of the unfamiliarity of the stores. Seeing elderly people out for a morning coffee, gives me an empty sense of missing my grandparents. Even the lack of having a car instils a sense of being trapped and completely alone. While I have made friends and have people around me who I trust and can confide in, I have noticed that loneliness still infiltrates my daily life.